Here are the ten aging/living-on-the-edge rockers whose deaths would make us lose it faster than our inheritance in Vegas. God forbid.

10. Ozzy Osbourne. This gentle, funny, formerly evil and insane rock legend has gone from being the definition of rock mayhem to the definition of man-cute. He’s also the king of comebacks – after all the crazy crap he’s pulled, his awesomeness wasn’t even diluted by an entire reality series about his annoying family (I think Jack and Kelly bore most of the fallout from that). He even manages to seem relatively cool in commercials about cell phones and oil-based butter spread, acting confused and shouting “I’m the prince of f**ing darkness” at the air. A world without Ozzy is a world with no rock and roll mentor. When he goes, bands will dissolve out of respect, the news will be flooded with man-made catastrophes and mass suicides, and kitties and doggies will weep.

9. Ringo Starr. “The goofy one” (who is presently “the posh goofy one”) seemed to have a definite air about him during his Beatles career. It was a sort of blind joviality, with the slight appearance of being confused over what was going on at any given time. It came through pretty strong in his vocals for tracks like “Octopus’s Garden” and “Yellow Submarine,” where he sounded like a musical version of someone’s dad. These days he’s enjoying cooldom with his designer shades, Don Johnson stubble and ever-present peace signs — but geez, look at any photo of him and it’s obvious that he’s still Ringo. The day there’s no more Ringo will be the day there are no more rodeo clowns, doctor’s office lollipops, corporate meeting donuts, or anything else that makes a serious situation more fun. Long live the goofy one.

8. Lemmy Kilmister. I spoke to Lemmy Kilmister over the phone for about half an hour during college, and if not for that conversation he might not be on this list. But some of the things he said were just so …  rock and roll. Did you know his first set of musical equipment was all stolen? He said so. Or that he gives specific instructions to his publicist never to bother him before noon? He was also quoted in Maxim as having slept with over 1,200 women, and he’s 63. Jesus Christ, this guy is about as rock star as they come, plus he sports mutton chops that would destroy a continent if their power were properly leveraged. His death would be the equivalent of Dr. Doom finally defeating The Thing, or every Hustler store burning down. It would be a loss to all masculinity everywhere, and I propose if it ever happens, every straight man should buy at least one gay porn mag in solemn acknowledgment of Lemmy’s eternally superior man skills.

7. Pete Doherty. Shut your tabloid-buying, NME-reading asshole face and admit that if Pete Doherty ate it, the world would be short one more incredibly talented musician and songwriter who failed to live up to his full potential. Besides the fact that the guy is downright funny and charming when he’s not squirting syringes of blood on people, just the thought of losing a Libertine is enough to make me pout a little. So what if he’s always wasted, can’t walk straight, sing or play guitar worth navel lint most of the time, and is usually about as photogenic as a bag of road apples. I put value in ideals, not Google Images. We need Doherty, dammit. His death would be catastrophic not only because of the loss of a great songwriter, but also because out of pure frustration I would probably kick a hole in a dam and flood someone’s village.

6. Scott Weiland. Weiland is probably the least likely to cash in his chips on this list, since the guy’s rehab stints should keep him from losing it entirely. But between the reckless chemical hobbies, stories about seizures on planes, and the residual bleach that is undoubtedly making its way through his scalp and into his brain, he’s due to purchase the farm before his time. The main problem here is that my girlfriend would be most adversely affected by Weiland’s passing, because it’s likely she would slip into a comatose state of depression upon hearing the news. This, obviously, would make my life exponentially more stressful and sad. You think this is just my problem? Why don’t you ask your girlfriend how she would feel about a world without Scott Weiland. See? Men, we need this guy to stick around.

5. David Bowie. If your girlfriend is unaffected by Scott Weiland, it’s possible she’s the other type of girl, which is the David Bowie type. Fortunately this grenade isn’t going to go off for a while, but when it does, prepare for a holocaust to be matched only by the death of Prince (left off this list only for technical reasons). See, Bowie is very nearly the epicenter of cool (1). Even though his voice is noticeably older than it has been, and he’s probably not hanging out with Major Tom much these days, the man who played Jareth the Goblin King could drive a dented minivan to Wal-Mart on a Sunday and not sacrifice an ounce of cool. Just take a look at his left eye. It’s permanently dilated, because of a fight over a girl. That ain’t no Marilyn Manson crap — that shit is real, and it’s cool. If David Bowie died, more than half of the world’s females would be unresponsive to any sort of male charm, leaving us males forlorn, lost and helpless.

4. Steve Tyler. Steve Tyler dying would be like a puppy falling off a bridge, or a nun getting hit by a train. Not that he’s innocent or chaste by any means, but I can think of a million other people who I’d rather see go — like Gene Simmons, or Chad Kroeger. Steve Tyler rocks, no matter what. Steve Tyler hemorrhages party. Plus, Steve Tyler dying means Liv Tyler would be sad, and gentlemen, we can’t let that happen. I can’t promise this man is going to a happy place after his passing (alright, of course he is), but it’s guaranteed everyone left behind will be in a sad, dreary place. Who will we have to spike Jack into our veins with? No one, that’s who.

Interlude. Since this article is such a downer, we need to take a break now and remember that it’s all make believe. Just pondering and theory, that’s all. Take a deep breath. Ok, continuing…

3. Mick Jagger. First of all, if Mick Jagger could die, he would have done it a few times already. But for the sake of this article, let’s assume Mick Jagger is a normal human being. This man defied just about every rule, regulation and moral placed in his path, running society’s barricades down almost as fast as he ran through handles of sour mash whiskey. Not to mention the fact that his music can be anything to anyone, man or woman, whether they’re getting into a bar fight to “Get Off of My Cloud” or slow dancing to “Wild Horses.” Jagger is possibly the biggest rock star alive today, and his death in the midst of his rock fame would be like a black hole forming in the middle of Hong Kong. Jagger’s death would make someone (read: me) want to steal a truck full of Jack Daniel’s, light it on fire, and slam it into a Catholic daycare center just to make a bigger and more distracting mess.

2. Paul McCartney. What was global morale like after the Titanic went down? Or on the same scale, just after John Lennon was shot? Well, it was bad. In the Beatles’ heyday, Paul was the Cute One and the band’s de facto decision maker of sorts, and he was the positive foundation when things started to fall apart. His voice on tracks like “We Can Work It Out” and “Let It Be” calmed a generation or two, giving him the permanent status of guardian rock angel in the face of social turmoil. People pop in Beatles albums when the economy crashes in order to hear his voice and feel better. Plus, he was the Beatle who held onto the signature suit jacket and bowl cut the longest, for what that’s worth. Yes, Paul McCartney has a place saved for him in Heaven, but when he takes it, the Earth will get several shades darker.

1. Keith Richards. The same argument applies here as to the Mick Jagger case above … but for now, let’s assume Keith Richards is able to die. Keith Richards hit a guy in the face with his guitar and kept playing, was rumored to have snorted his dad’s ashes, and had a pirate modeled after him (2) — and that’s just in the last 10 years. If Keith Richards dies, the world will cease to be a nice place. God will be worth a frog’s water-tight asshole, music will become tame and temporary, and the universe’s inventory of rock and roll heritage will immediately lose half its value. Not that this will happen, because I’m almost sure Keith Richards is made out of pure carbon and is at least 4,000 years old. He is probably a vampire, or an ancient Egyptian pharaoh who discovered the secret of immortality. At least that’s what I keep telling myself to hide from the fact that if he disappears (in a large puff of smoke with absolutely no warning, the most likely scenario), everything fun will matter less. Of course, a national holiday would be created that would become the most depressing day on earth. And that, friends, will be the day Don McLean was talking about.

Did I miss anyone? Add your two cents to the comments below.
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1. That privilege belongs to Wolverine
2. It’s also possible he was once an actual pirate